Comedian Quotes

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!

Never put a sock in a toaster.

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

We've discovered that the less we do, the more money we make.

To me, the musical is best when it's a musical comedy. So if you have a very, very funny show, and very good, funny songs, that's what the musical does best.

The Minister of Transport issued this appeal to motorists: Can anyone give him a lift to Leicester?

I think the special thing about Python is that it's a writers' commune. The writers are in charge. The writers decide what the material is.

I love being an older comic now. It's like being an old soccer or an old baseball player. You're in the Hall of Fame and it's nice, but you're no longer that person in the limelight on the spot doing that thing.

I like the idea of being out there regularly with an audience and with a funny gang of people. That's what I grew up with - doing television, doing shows every week.

You look just like you!

No day of my life passes without someone saying the words 'Monty Python' to me. It's not bad.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.

We women have to stick together.

The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.

People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.

We try to... we are, I suppose to a certain extent all affected and erm, that is both funny and sad I think.

So I turned these sort of deficiencies into a, a workable thing if you understand what I mean.

It's both funny and sad which seem to me to be the two basic ingredients of good comedy.