Funny Quotes

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh.

I found that I could write two kinds of short stories: I could write very absurd, kind of surrealistic, funny stories; or I could write very dark, realistic - hyper-realistic - stories. I was never happy with that, because I couldn't meld the two.

You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.

I have funny bones. If there's ever any kind of tension, I'll always be the one to try and be funny to loosen things up.

Also, in a funny way, if you have been happily married there are no unresolved areas, nothing to prove to yourself after the other dies.

It usually takes two people a little while to learn where the funny buttons are and testy buttons are.

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world.

'Come out' is so funny to me because I've never been in.

I've been invited to appear on Letterman, but they wanted me to talk about a funny videotape of Congress. 'Bring us your outtakes!' That's not our job.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

I never smoked. I never drank and I never took drugs. The funny thing is, nothing is more boring, people like this. For me, it's OK. But most of my friends, at least they smoke and drink.

I'm mourning with the rest of the world for the talented, gorgeous, funny, intelligent John Forsythe but my heart is broken for the loss of my dear, dear friend and neighbor. I will miss him terribly.

It's funny that until I actually met my husband, I never thought I'd get married.

Who's to say where funny stops and 'too far' starts?

But the funny thing is, I broke my finger not on set doing kung fu. I broke my finger when I fell down the stairs prior to going on set.

That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't.

It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up.

I don't really need to be dirty to be funny.

I'm not very funny!

Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny.

I could party in a cardboard box with people who are funny and don't care. For me, it's really about who I surround myself with, so I just try to always be with hilarious people.

You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things.

You didn't want to laugh, did you? It wasn't very funny, was it?

I was always telling everybody that I could be funny.

No, it's funny, when I eat out it's not typically in the kind of restaurants people might imagine.

I don't just try to be funny.

When I was a little kid, I wrote this play about all these characters living in a haunted house. There was a witch who lived there, and a mummy. When they were all hassling him, this guy who bought the house - I can't believe I remember this - he said to them, 'Who's paying the mortgage on this haun