Comedian Quotes

I don't think I gain anything by seeing myself.

And erm, perhaps looking like this it was perhaps the only thing I could do.

The danger with running for president is sooner or later some sound bite is going hit.

Some of the funniest people I know are not screwed up in the head.

Performing with anthrax in the building is not nearly as difficult as performing in a home where you might get stabbed at night.

It's tough to play the right chord on the instrument when there's someone out there who wants to kill you.

If I can get a sanitized version of reality, I'll take it.

I've seen the hell these people go through.

I've learned sometimes you just have to take the bad from people.

I've become fascinated by the idea that it's really achievable to make two or three small improvements in a week and by the end of the year, it's 150 improvements.

I'm not sure how a world leader reacts to the work of a clown.

I'm not a doctor - so I can't describe flashbacks well - but it is like you're living it again.

I'll get to make a lot of money and do some bad sitcoms.

I was never in a mental institution for a long time. I was in psych wards.

I was diagnosed with everything from schizophrenia to multiple personality disorder.

I think I wanted to write a book about the relationship between the victim and perpetrator in which the victim agrees to remain silent.

I ran into an extraordinary doctor. He got up inside my head and figured out how my brain processed things, what my core values were, what my inner dialogue was.

I perform in the major leagues of what I do. It's incredible.

I have to give the SNL crew props - it cannot have been easy to work with me.

I had a dad you know.

I don't know if I want to be a big star though.

I called my mother up and I said, 'You know, I've been to the best doctors in the world and I've spent almost half a million dollars and they're telling me I have symptoms of a P.O.W. and all I did was grow up in your home.'

I belong to the Democratic Party.

Everyone always told me that I had the symptoms of a P.O.W.

Doctors didn't know what to do with me.

College kids, don't be taking examples from me.

If you're injured, it changes the way you move. If you're injured, it changes the way you talk.

You go out with a girl you used to date, she looks so damn good, and then at a certain point you say, Boy, now I remember. I know why I left!

My name is Arsenio. That's a very unique name for a black man. In Greek, it means Leroy.

My father was a no-nonsense, dedicated, and focused minister, and there was usually a sermon he needed to prepare for or a Scripture he needed to study, and that always came first.