Comedian Quotes

In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.

I have a thing for tools.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

I do a lot of family shows.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

If a man works like a horse for his money, there are a lot of girls anxious to take him down the bridal path.

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.

Brains, integrity, and force may be all very well, but what you need today is Charm. Go ahead and work on your economic programs if you want to, I'll develop my radio personality.

When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.