Comedian Quotes

This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

As we saw in the Queen's Speech, anti-social behaviour - a phenomenon that I believe to be a genuine worry that is also being fed by a lot of scare stories - is the political theme of the moment.

Ah, the pleasure, the joy - a big news story that runs and runs, that is played down by some of our journalistic colleagues, saying 'it'll never happen', only to be confirmed by the Home Secretary.

Of, course it always cheers a news editor when a story has what we describe as 'legs' therefore it, erm, runs.