Comedian Quotes

I have no disagreement with the aims of anti-vivisectionists.

I must have done everything I had. You go through years where you go through everything you've ever written.

I mean, I've had bartenders and waiters and waitresses make a comment about a joke of mine, like pointing out some sort of logic error or something that I've never even thought about, and they're right.

I mean, I've always had scattered interests, but I never went on stage to get an agent or anything like that.

I mean, I guess I started during the comedy boom, so it was literally like, on Sunday you could decide you wanted to be a comic, and on Monday, you could be on stage.

I mean, I guess I realized subconsciously that this is what I should be doing before I realized it, consciously. Verbally, I don't think I had committed to it, even though I was driving everywhere, every night, just trying to get on stage.

I loved Australia. I was very successful there.

I liked the koala, wallaby, and I chilled with a kangaroo a bit. There was a wombat that I quite enjoyed also.

I like pens. My writing is so amazing there's never a need to erase.

I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work.

I had some friends that tried it down there, and I went to a couple of open mics, and I just kind of got this... this sick urge to try it instead of just watching it.

I guess there seems to be clubs opening up again, which is strange.

I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate.

I don't know any astronauts. There are a lot of people who say they want to be comedians.

I don't feel I'm even worthy of a normal amount of value.

I do not like sports, unless you consider treating all humankind with love and respect a sport.

I did end up doing substitute teaching, but there's not a lot of teaching involved in that.

I basically did comedy there for about a year, and then moved to New York. If I had it to do over again, I would have booked myself on the road for at least a year.

Buddha, much like everyone else has good and bad days.

Anyone who bombs is my friend.

And the goal really is to make the audience laugh, to bring them some joy.

You come there and hang out and have a drink before the show and eat, so it's not that brutal. It's only $6.

There's people that are just in awe of what you do, and then there are people who just think it's garbage. And I think there are people who are just uncomfortable seeing someone have fun with their job.

I got access to a private tour of the zoo. I got to go in a cage with a koala, which I highly recommend.

I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up.

I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.

My longing to improve my looks via The Body Shop is being replaced by my longing to improve my looks via Photoshop.

Once we hit forty, women only have about four taste buds left: one for vodka, one for wine, one for cheese, and one for chocolate.

To get a job where the only thing you have to do in your career is to make people laugh-well, it's the best job in the world.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.