Comedian Quotes

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

Knight without fear and without reproach.

His eyes so dim, so wasted each limb, that, heedless of grammar, they all cried, that's him!

He won't, won't he? Then bring me my boots.

Ghosts, like ladies, never speak till spoke to.

I'm sometimes scared of everything that has happened to us. We didn't think Desilu Productions would grow so big. We merely wanted to be together and have two children.

I will never do another TV series. It couldn't top I Love Lucy, and I'd be foolish to try. In this business, you have to know when to get off.

I am a real ham. I love an audience. I work better with an audience. I am dead, in fact, without one.

I regret the passing of the studio system. I was very appreciative of it because I had no talent.

I hate failure and that divorce was a Number One failure in my eyes. It was the worst period of my life. Neither Desi nor I have been the same since, physically or mentally.

You see much more of your children once they leave home.

Women's Lib? Oh, I'm afraid it doesn't interest me one bit. I've been so liberated it hurts.

I think knowing what you cannot do is more important than knowing what you can.

The more things you do, the more you can do.

Use a make-up table with everything close at hand and don't rush; otherwise you'll look like a patchwork quilt.

How I Love Lucy was born? We decided that instead of divorce lawyers profiting from our mistakes, we'd profit from them.

Ability is of little account without opportunity.

If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you can do.

It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.

In life, all good things come hard, but wisdom is the hardest to come by.

Luck? I don't know anything about luck. I've never banked on it and I'm afraid of people who do. Luck to me is something else: Hard work - and realizing what is opportunity and what isn't.

I'm not funny. What I am is brave.

I'm happy that I have brought laughter because I have been shown by many the value of it in so many lives, in so many ways.

I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.

Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.

Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.