Comedian Quotes

The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win.

Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late - and strike oil.'

People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it.

If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

Sometimes I wonder how I got into comedy at all.

Maxwell is serious, dedicated, awkward, forgetful, pompous to a certain degree, sentimental.

It was a special show that became a cult classic of sorts, and I made a lot of money for it.

I did movie star impressions as a kid in high school. Somehow they just got out of hand.

I've been paying alimony since I was 14 and child support since 15. That's a joke, but not by much.

I was married awfully young and I felt trapped. My wife had been divorced and all the time we were married we were out of the Church. It wasn't until we were divorced that we became good Catholics again.

I am a quick study - I can memorize a script in an hour - but I can't remember a name three seconds. I've even forgotten my wife's name on occasion.

I like getting married, but I don't like being married.