Comedian Quotes

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, but in a properly big and important way. My perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Always do whatever's next.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?