Comedian Quotes

I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, 'Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it.'

I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation. Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting.

I praticed making faces in the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept looking in the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course.

I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.

Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.

If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.

It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what's left?

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.

If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.

I don't see myself as offending people.

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.