Comedian Quotes

When I see the Ten Most Wanted Lists... I always have this thought: If we'd made them feel wanted earlier, they wouldn't be wanted now.

It takes 20 years to make an overnight success.

Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn't even have when you were on your own.

Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going to fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.

A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.

Who do you think I am, Pete Rose? I don't bet. I come from a long line of compulsive gamblers. Gambling scares me.

Stand-up was like being on a Barbie townhouse stage.

Our black president can't say that he's for gay marriage. That is upsetting to me.

Look, you're either loved or hated. Which is a good thing, as Bette Davis used to say.

In the '70s, the gay movement was really making strides. Huge strides. And then AIDS came along and slapped a judgment on it all and the Right Wing religious movement was like, 'See. This is why, we told you.' And it pushed back the movement 30 years.

I'm crass, contemptuous and crude, obstreperous, obnoxious, rambunctiously raw and rude.

I wouldn't live with me, believe me. I'm moody.

I won't do reality. That is done. And I don't want people following me around with a camera 24 hours a day.

I mean, the things you think will never happen, you have to confront; those things that come into your life that you thought you never could deal with, you do.

I love doing scripted things. What little acting ability I have I am holding on with my hangnails.

I love animation, I really do, but I don't do it for the children.

I like to hold a book. When someone sends me a script, I ask for a hard copy or print one out.

I know, it's weird that I've never done a musical. I turned down two of them. 'The Lion King' and 'The Producers.' I turned two of the biggest Broadway musicals down, am I a mess?

I knew the full 'Judy Garland Carnegie Hall' double album set at age 2. And then my mother wondered why I was gay. I was like, 'Are you nuts? You would make me get on the table to sing Judy Garland songs and you're upset?'

I hated high school. Ugh. I couldn't wait until it was over so I could sleep in. In college, I made sure all my classes were in the afternoon. I hated getting up in the morning.

You can escape into a character.

Who wants an orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips.

I know what I have to do if I want to lose weight and stay healthy: eat a proper diet and exercise. All I've got to do is apply it.

I don't watch my movies. I just get too critical of myself.

I did the 'Tonight Show' once, and I choked up. I get intimidated.

I'm the one who has to look in the mirror, and after a while it begins to eat at you.

I think I may have become an actor to hide from myself. You can escape into a character.

I thought to myself, Join the army. It's free. So I figured while I'm here I'll lose a few pounds.

It feels quite cool, in a mad way, to be someone who skulks about in the shadows.

I'm the only comedian qualified to navigate a supertanker.