Comedian Quotes

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.

When I was little, there were three channels.

Kids today know way more than you think they do, with the Internet and 500 TV channels.

I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything.

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

I can drink on the job if I want to. I can go on stage with a beer and it's OK. I can say whatever I want. It's a great job to have.

You can talk about anything if you go about it the right way, which is never malicious.

I tend to stay up late, not because I'm partying but because it's the only time of the day when I'm alone and don't have to be performing.

Before I do anything, I think, well what hasn't been seen. Sometimes, that turns out to be something ghastly and not fit for society. And sometimes that inspiration becomes something that's really worthwhile.

I've arrived at the place if I'm not taking a career risk, I'm not happy. If I'm scared, then I know I'm being challenged.

I need privacy. I would think that because what I do makes a lot of people happy that I might deserve a little bit of respect in return. Instead, the papers try to drag me off my pedestal.

I just want to be myself.

I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I'm just trying to create a good one for myself.

Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.

That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, 'Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down.'

Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting.

I know this sounds strange, but as a kid, I was really shy. Painfully shy. The turning point was freshman year, when I was the biggest geek alive. No one, I mean no one, even talked to me.

Either you're the one erasing or you're the one being erased.

But, you know, you can't be a star at home.

I love playing ego and insecurity combined.

If you've got a talent, protect it.

I absolutely want to have a career where you make'em laugh and make'em cry. It's all theater.