Comedian Quotes

So many people prefer to live in drama because it's comfortable. It's like someone staying in a bad marriage or relationship - it's actually easier to stay because they know what to expect every day, versus leaving and not knowing what to expect.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

'Strictly Business' is about a young black man who is learning about himself, and that applies to a lot of young black men, those who are trying to find jobs. This film gives them a good look at that situation.

Stand-up keeps you alive. It is definitely the most specialized field in comedy because you need to stay sharp and well-tuned every night.

'New Jack City' and 'Boyz 'N the Hood' are realities, but movies like 'Strictly Business' are realities, too.

I'm a creature of adaptation. I take advantage of the second and the moment. My comedy breathes; it's not really that predictable. I do have a linear style, but other than that, there's a lot of abstract. I just go off on what I'm thinking. I'm not that topical. I like to talk about me and my experi

I'd like to continue doing movies, clubs, concert halls and television. I like something about each one.

I used to want to be a singer and a musician for years, from 6 years old to today. I'm not really good, but in time I could be. I'm more of a singer than anything.

I do so many roles, I can't be typecast.

I can personally feel the relief myself in my audiences when I bring up Obama because there was a lot of anti-Obama sentiment out there before the capture of bin Laden.

Blacks don't square dance. If you see a black person square dancing, it is definitely the seventh sign.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.