Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.