Comedian Quotes

I had written in another draft a completely different kind of fight, but they said they couldn't afford to shoot it. They needed a fight scene, though, so I was told to put a fight scene in, but not the one I had written.

I had auditioned for 'Saturday Night Live' two or three times before and never really saw myself there. I looked up to Belushi and Bill Murray and Aykroyd and I never saw myself as in their world.

I got lucky. I won the San Francisco Stand-Up Comedy Competition in 1977 while I was still at San Francisco State.

I enjoy pushing my characters to the limit. No matter how far out there I go, I look for things that make the characters human.

I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes.

Describing comic sensibility is near impossible. It's sort of an abstract silliness, that sometimes the joke isn't the star.

After years of begging, I got my parents to get me a little Craig tape recorder, a reel to reel. Then I started recording voices, or recording Jonathan Winters off television and stuff like that.

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.