My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
We just want to be remembered before something is set in stone.
He is so old that his blood type was discontinued.
I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days.
While many comics have a secret persona, I fundamentally want to be myself.
When people come to see my stand-up, they get a chance to see my characters interact with each other.
Well, I loved variety in television, I loved sketch comedy. At 'Saturday Night Live,' I stayed almost seven years.
We didn't even think about it, you know? I used to collect laser discs, and you'd have some college professor analyzing It's a Wonderful Life or Citizen Kane, and now it is pretty funny - the idea of commentary for a silly kid's movie, you know?
This movie will actually increase the sex life of parents everywhere because they can put this on, with the 45 minutes of extras and they've got almost two hours to do whatever they've got to do while the kids watch the movie.
The two things that can hurt you are if you need money or if you need fame. Those are the things that can be your Achilles heel. But if you don't need money and you don't need fame, then you're free.
That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.
It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh.
I've never really worked on them. Just once in a while one hits me and makes me laugh. My Al Gore was sort of like a gay Gomer Pyle.
I'm more of a people pleaser.
I tried to go out for theater or theater arts, but I was too scared or too intimidated. But I had a lot of friends on the cross country team that had great senses of humor.
I recently found out about this other super movie star. He only works from about 11:00 to 4:00, so all his movies take like 120 days. But this was a lot of stuff to do in 35 days.
I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
I never read the tabloids.
I know it's a cliche, but the whole family is just whacked. I mean, we're all out of our minds. They're the funniest, most eccentric bizarre people I've ever met, my siblings.
I have this dream life where I get to be a celebrity but I get to navigate the world fairly easily because I'm always in character.
