Comedian Quotes

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'

I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available.

I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.

I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.

I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of mo

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.

A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.

I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.

I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.

I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

I don't want to be a director. I want to direct. There's a difference.

I don't know any jokes, which is embarrassing. I wish I did.

I don't enjoy anything while I'm doing it. I enjoy having done things, though.

I am too old to die young, and too young to grow up.

Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.

I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and is considerably easier to write with.

Money can't buy poverty.

Everyone is treating it like a Hollywood story. In Madison, it's a neighborhood story.