Comedian Quotes

Basically, I only play one character; I just play him at different volumes.

In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king.

The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer.

I, of course, wanted to do something with Drew Barrymore. Please. So we were reading scripts back and forth and then we found this script, Fever Pitch.

I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year.

I'd do entire music videos in my bedroom, where I used to stand in front of my television memorizing the moves to Michael Jackson's 'Beat It.'

I was into the Mets because my Dad worked at IBM where he got free Mets tickets, so I was into the Mets... then I got to 'Saturday Night Live' where my boss has unbelievable N.Y. Yankees tickets, so he invites us to the games. I'm going to all the games, so I might as well root for the team I'm gonn

I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I'm like 'You know, maybe I shouldn't be a Priest.'

I sing in the car if I'm in LA, because you're like soundproofed.

I like to see people laugh who are normally serious.

I like doing energetic things.

I like being absurd. Being silly.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

I had a gun and I had to run and shoot, which is not easy.

I don't even read the papers. I read 'USA Today' because it has color photos.

I didn't act like I was there. I just got into the story.

I became a Yankees fan for a few years. But now, I gotta say, I'm really rooting for the Red Sox.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's publicist told USA Today that the actor has not ruled out running for governor of California, saying that he will make a decision soon. Reportedly Arnold needs that time to learn how to pronounce 'gubernatorial.'

My parents were kind of over protective people. Me and my sister had to play in the backyard all the time. They bought us bikes for Christmas but wouldn't let us ride in the street, we had to ride in the backyard. Another Christmas, my dad got me a basketball hoop and put it in the middle of the law

I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, 'That's funny,' then fall asleep.

I never sing in the shower. It's very dangerous.

I like video games, I like tech, I like being positive.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

Everyone looks so much better when they smile.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

There's always going to be someone out there... who doesn't believe in you or who thinks your head is too big or you're not smart enough. But those are the people you need to ignore, and those are the times you need to just keep doing what you love doing.

The strangest thing about writing a sitcom, is never knowing if it will become anything but words on a page.

If you had of told me age 10 that in 19 years time I would be on a stage in Salford performing with Les Dennis in a sitcom I had written, I would have believed you.