Comedian Quotes

After I won the Tony Award, the film floodgates opened, so I was like a kid in a candy store.

Everybody wants to eat at the government's table, but nobody wants to do the dishes.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

I like children - fried.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Yeah, it's tough being smart and sexy, too. I have to say, I'm really not that attractive. Until I met my husband, I could not get a date. I promise you it's true. My husband Jeff Richmond saw a diamond in the rough and took me in.

Somewhere around the fifth or seventh grade I figured out that I could ingratiate myself to people by making them laugh. Essentially, I was just trying to make them like me. But after a while it became part of my identity.

Mary Tyler Moore was a working woman whose story lines were not always about dating and men. They were about work friendships and relationships, which is what I feel my adult life has mostly been about.