Comedian Quotes

But I don't think I was ever destined to be a big star.

I know the new comedy god is surrealism, but it doesn't touch my heart.

I have always had a need for attention but didn't plan to be a comic.

I have a very solo career. I only write with people that I really adore.

I have a fear of poverty in old age. I have this vision of myself living in a skip and eating cat food. It's because I'm freelance, and I've never had a proper job. I don't have a pension, and my savings are dwindling. I always thought someone would just come along and look after me.

I don't think I'm successful.

I don't do marriage. I think it's incredibly naff. And I don't like vulgar displays of ostentation.

I can't watch other people doing comedy. As soon as somebody starts being funny I have to turn off because it upsets me. I get comedy indigestion. I just hate anybody else being funny. That's my job.

I can't tan naturally.

I can't stand folk who are all snobby about reality TV.

I can't sing.

I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content.

I am very short-sighted, and if I don't like a situation I take my glasses off.

I am not sure gender ever won't be an issue in comedy, because I think that women do have different priorities in some respects.

I am best viewed from a distance... and at night.

I admire the Elsie Tanners and Barbara Windsors of the world: people who have crawled back from the abyss. I'm quite camp in that respect.

For me, being a woman suits what I want to talk about and what my audience wants to hear. Maybe I'm a dying breed.

Family is the one thing that is definitely not disposable.

As a five-year-old in Berlin in 1965, I didn't know that funny women existed. It wasn't until I got back to England that I realised women could be funny.

Anyone who has dead straight hair wants curls.

After graduating from flares and platforms in the early 1970s, I started drama school wearing a pair of khaki dungarees with one of my Dad's Army shirts, accessorised by a cat's basket doubling as a handbag. Very Lady Gaga.

A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke.

There should be more booing in shops and restaurants and places like that when when the service is bad. If you've had a poor breakfast in a hotel, you should put your knife and fork down and boo.

I am best viewed from a distance.

As a rule, wearing a bigger pair of jeans looks better than squishing yourself into a pair of jeans that used to fit before you gave up smoking.

I wouldn't say I was grumpy. It's more pathological - I have seismic tantrums. I get red in the face and cry at least three times a week, and I have to lie down and have a nap afterwards.

You can (be a middle-aged comic) if you work very hard at it, because comedy is really hard.

The world is infinitely more complex than it appeared to me 15 years ago.

I've become a much more serious young insect.

I didn't like the nervous tension of being a public person.