W. C. Fields Quotes

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

I like children - fried.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.