Woody Allen Quotes

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.