Comedian Quotes

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

Women can really be who they are. I'm about to say the F word, feminist. Often that word has such a negative connotation.

We've all made mistakes that are similar in just trying to get by or make some money or feel good about ourselves.

I'm all over the place, and I consider myself a bit of a scrounger: 'What will I do next, so I'm not broke?'

I want to be so famous that drag queens will dress like me in parades when I'm dead.

I really detest movies like 'Indecent Proposal' and 'Pretty Woman' because they send a message to women that sleeping with a rich man is the ultimate goal and really that's such a small part of it.

I love punching the ceiling with my fists when I'm lost or I can't find a parking space.

I have to find work wherever it might be hiding.

I guess I just feel bad that I'm still going on bad dates when I should really be in a bad marriage by now.

I used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy.

I always feel like rejection is my petrol. That's what keeps me going.

In 40-odd years in show business, some years I could do no wrong, and some years I could do nothing right. Show business. I owe it everything - it owes me nothing.

I'll be a flop in movies. Besides, I don't like 'em, and I never did believe there was a place called Hollywood. Somebody made it up!

While all the other kids were out playing ball and stuff, I used to stay in my room and imagine that there was a camera in the wall. And I used to really believe that I was putting on a television show and that it was going out to somewhere in the world.

When I perform, it's very personal. I'm sharing things I like, inviting the audience into my room.

There's no drama like wrestling.

Pure entertainment is not an egotistical lady singing boring songs onstage for two hours and people in tuxes clapping whether they like it or not. It's the real performers on the street who can hold people's attention and keep them from walking away.

I never told a joke in my life.

There's no way to describe what I do. It's just me.

If I play my cards right, I could bring network wrestling back to TV. Unfortunately, to most people, wrestling is a laughingstock. But fortunately, I'm reaching people who otherwise wouldn't watch it.

I just want real reactions. I want people to laugh from the gut, be sad from the gut - or get angry from the gut.

My mother sent me to psychiatrists since the age of four because she didn't think little boys should be sad. When my brother was born, I stared out the window for days. Can you imagine that?

What's real? What's not? That's what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality.

The sterile, arid environment created by truly jarring and discordant signage and gargantuan billboards is a turnoff.