British Quotes

I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I thi

I'm a one-man idiot.

I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.

I wanted to be less well-known in comedy.

I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.

I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.

I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.

I don't believe that competitions are important.

Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too.

Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.

I use a Bruce Lee technique: 'The way of no way.' He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!

Never put a sock in a toaster.

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

I made a mistake when I said there were no gas chambers at Auschwitz.

I have no academic qualifications whatsoever.

History is like a constantly changing tree.

Without Hitler, the State of Israel probably would not exist today. To that extent he was probably the Jews' greatest friend.

We then took a shortened version of what we'd been doing in the pubs, with the best gags and things like that, out to cabaret clubs and things in the north of England for six weeks. And we became a big success.