Roseanne Barr Quotes

'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking.

The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.

I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.

I figure if my kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.

Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.