Cartoonist Quotes

It doesn't take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation.

I'm predicting that we'll finally have a computer will search my e-mail automatically and delete every message that begins with 'thought you'd be interested,' and then give an electrical shock to the sender to remind him or her to stop send that kind of message.

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

You don't argue with a four-year old about why he shouldn't eat candy for dinner. You don't punch a mentally handicapped guy even if he punches you first. And you don't argue when a women tells you she's only making 80 cents to your dollar. It's the path of least resistance. You save your energy for

The best plan now is to have as many bosses as possible. I call it boss diversity. If you work for a company and you have one boss and that boss doesn't like you or wants to get rid of you, you're in trouble. But if you work for yourself, you have lots of bosses, who are your customers, and if a few

Scientists will eventually stop flailing around with solar power and focus their efforts on harnessing the only truly unlimited source of energy on the planet: stupidity. I predict that in the future, scientists will learn how to convert stupidity into clean fuel.

There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.

The best things in life are silly.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

You don't have to be a 'person of influence' to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?