American Quotes

I need to be cheered up a lot. I think funny people are people who need to be cheered up.

Humor is such a wonderful thing, helping you realize what a fool you are but how beautiful that is at the same time.

I do love to eavesdrop. It's inspirational, not only for subject matter but for actual dialogue, the way people talk.

If I didn't try to eavesdrop on every bus ride I take or look for the humor when I go for a walk, I would just be depressed all the time.

If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile.

The attitude of the actor is his interpretation of what he reads, and the written word is what creates the role in the actor's mind, and I guess in reading the things that were given to me, I reacted as you guys saw me, you know.

I just wanted to be a guy who could earn a living as an actor, and I did that for a long time.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'