You're just sort of searching for this 'thing' and sometimes you get it and sometimes you don't. All music is imperfect, but in jazz since you're improvising, at least the way I play, I'm trying to follow my train of thought in a solo.
“I wanted to be a professional singer/actress, though I knew it would be hard.”
“I can only put myself in the process and try to learn through the process. Sometimes it will go well and sometimes it won't.”